BREAKING: GOP distances self from Stanford College Republicans

The Stanford College Republicans’ (SCR) efforts to bring themselves in line with the national party have met with mixed results. In an email sent to SCR members, a freshman member of SCR suggested that there would be little overlap between the group’s “target audience” and attendees of Stanford Admit Weekend’s community-center welcome events—or, in the words of the SCR member responsible for the email, “race-based events” like the “Chinanx [sic] Community Welcome.” Our sources tell us that SCR’s new “targeting strategy” is just the first in a series of initiatives to make SCR look more like the GOP. Other initiatives in the works include tuition subsidies for high-income students and an expansion of the group’s on-campus ammunition dump.

In response to a request for comment, Republican National Committee (RNC) Spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany said, “While all of us in the GOP applaud SCR’s efforts to make itself less inclusive, we typically try to limit this sort of explicitly divisive rhetoric to the President himself.” McEnany went on to say that the RNC could not publicly endorse SCR’s language, but that members of the group should “hang in there and keep up the good work.” Utah Senator and Paleolithic fossil Orrin Hatch called the SCR email “amateurish, but proof that young Republicans’ hearts are still in the right place.” Though SCR’s reception from national Republican leaders has been lukewarm, the group has met with enthusiasm from conservative prospective freshmen. George Corley Wallace IV, a prospective member of the Class of 2022, said that “the Stanford Republicans really outdid themselves. I was sold on the Harvard Republicans, but hot diggity damn! Now that’s a political community I can get behind.”

The Sphere tried to reach members of SCR’s leadership for comment, but the group was reportedly spending the night at its weekly teach-in at Stanford Hospital, part of SCR’s recent effort to wean Palo Alto patients off life-saving drugs through a “culture of personal responsibility.”

The above is satire. Except for the email, which is—unfortunately—very, very real.

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